Gratitude.

I am overwhelmed by acknowledgments and compliments by my readers on IG.

Yes, not only you'll feel overwhelmed by negative things, but you'll also feel overwhelmed by positive inputs. Earlier in the week, I was crying at the mall realizing how impactful my work has been. I had a booth at IPC mall for Valentine's Day and this experience really opened my eyes. 

So many of you actually made time to come and visit me at the booth, to support me, to see me, to talk to me & it was actually overwhelming. One of my coping mechanisms is dissociation. When I experience something overwhelming, my soul leaves my body, resulting in me being unable to fully feel the experience. It sort of has a delayed effect on me. Sometimes it takes weeks/months for the feeling to finally kick in. I've experienced a delayed effect of emotions for 3 months and when it hits me, oh, it hits extremely hard. The guilt was indescribable, especially during that 3 months, due to being unable to feel the emotions, I didn't properly check in with my action and it snowed ball. 

I know I feel happy and proud when my readers came to see me but I couldn't SOAK those feelings in. It feels as if something is blocking in front of my heart, no matter how much I ground, it doesn't seems to be able to fully soak in. Not until on the 3rd day, I had my period and these feelings hit me at one go. 

I cried so hard because I realized how much I've actually grown since July 2020 & how supported I am by people around me: my #Moonicorn, my family & my friends. I wasn't expecting anyone to show up but they made the effort to visit me, acknowledged me f2f, and shared their growth with me. Telling me how much they liked my work and my person, encouraging me to do content that I like etc. 

My Family

I was already feeling some mixed feelings when I came back from the CNY trip with my family - sad because I have to go back to my own place (I no longer stay with my family) but happy because they've become so understanding of the space and time I need to myself. It was until 3rd day, I burst out crying processing all the sadness & happiness. My family is my pillar of strength, without them, I wouldn't be able to soar so high without worrying about failing. It feels extremely safe when you know IF you fall, someone is going to catch you. 

It wasn't like that, I didn't feel safe with my family, especially about money. We've done so much work together and now, feeling united and slowly healing generational poverty consciousness. The growth in all of us is craaazzyyy & I do see myself growing abundantly because I am releasing my anger/fear/annoyed energy towards money.

My Friends

A lot of them supported me loudly, shared my works with others, bought my creations and services, and gave me genuine feedback. You know sometimes you would have judgments towards friends feeling they'll judge the work you do but when I release that fear in me, I can really see how happy they are for me that I am doing what I love. For them, that's the most important thing and it truly warms my heart. 

I've experienced losses of friendships, many many many friendships in 2021. It was soul-crushing. People you thought would always be by your side chose to leave, not saying goodbye and acted as if you've never existed made me question myself so much. **Btw disclaimer, there's no blame here. I respected their decisions because I believe they made the choice that is for their highest good. This is me expressing my feelings because there are always two sides to the story, this is my side that's all.

 But these losses taught me the most important lesson - be grateful for what you have. So many friends chose to stay despite I was so flawed - selfish, irresponsible, toxic etc and continue to encourage me to be the best version of myself. Hence I am here, as me. 

My community - Moonicorn

I swear this is the best community I can ever ask for, like for realz. They're extremely generous with acknowledgments, compliments, and support. They traveled to a place with the purpose to support me. They always go the extra mile to make sure I am okay, check in with me when I MIA a little at my page, feed me food, shower me with love. 

I've made many mistakes throughout my journey and they never gave up on me. Very understanding and make sure I don't blame myself. The willingness to grow with me is unbelievable. Their openness gave me the courage to try different content and products without worrying about making mistakes and that allowed me to truly do what I love. When you're not afraid of mistakes, you rarely make mistakes tbh, and you stop seeing mistakes as mistakes, rather seeing them as lessons and room to grow. Such amazing perspective and energy. 

They see me as human, understand that I am also growing in my own healing journey, never expect me to 'behave' like a mentor/guru, and encourage me to always, always be me. I made a promise on my own to this community - to speak consciously and responsibly, always check in with my integrity, to share what matters to me, and authentically be me. 

-- 

I may not able to express all my feelings via words, at least I try. Please know that I am grateful for you. Very grateful for you. Because of you, I am able to continue doing what I love, spread my wisdom, and help raise human consciousness. I am thankful and honor to be part of your healing journey. 

Thank you for your love and I'll see you next time.

Unicornly,

Sephine May