Journey.

This is the perfect time to talk about my journey because I resigned HAHA. And I am going to be completely vulnerable and honest to talk about the dark side of my journey because these are the incidents that I have healed and be who I am today. 

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I was molested at the age of 10 by someone I trusted, and ever since then, I don't feel complete and I hate myself. I was sad but often times, we are not familiar with expressing sadness because sadness = being weak and we were/are taught to be strong. And in the dictionary of society, strong means you are not allowed to cry/sad/be vulnerable.

So I hide my sadness away but emotions will find its way out, so I expressed it in anger and it turned to rage. I cursed a lot not knowing my emotions want to come out. I cursed with a lot of anger and people find me intimidating and rude but, I happened to have a lot of boyfriends. Why?

I don't love myself so I constantly looking for boyfriends to fill the void in me. The void that was supposed to be filled with self-love. I didn't understand so finding external love seems to always helpful. But, not for a very long time.

I can't seem to stay in a relationship for long because:

1. I am not myself,

2. It became comfortable and I can't feel the attention that I used to feel and crave,

3. I don't deserve someone to love me (here comes the self-sabotage),

4. I was not loyal because when I get into a relationship, it became boring.

But, I wasn't aware of all the reasons I listed above. I thought I love my boyfriends a lot and they don't give me enough love and attention, so I will start stirring shits to gain attention. I self-sabotaged my happy relationship to gain more attention from the people around me and from him. And I constantly find other people is always better than my boyfriend.

That not the only thing I did to fill in the void. I buy things, and I mean, a lot of things. I don't save and I was constantly sad (I have zero clues why), so to be happy, I buy things that I want but I don't really like it either. One of the experiences was I was so upset/sad (I have no idea why) that I just walked into Machine and impulsively bought an iPhone 6 (disclaimer, I self-earn everything I spent). 

I thought I was going to be very happy, but, I went home and feeling worse, emptier than ever. Money can't buy happiness when you're not happy internally. I have no idea what is wrong with me, so I always cry alone. 

I found a job that can pay, and I don't require to work hard and I sometimes get paid 5 digits (blessing huh) but I wasn't happy. I felt stupid, I don't feel fulfilled and I have no idea why am I being alive. I constantly question myself, "Is this life? That's all? Wake up, work, small talk with friends, having houses, cars and that is what you call happiness?". 

I have an anxiety attack almost every day. I wake up feeling pukish knowing nothing to puke, feel extremely exhausted, palpitation, dizzy, and not knowing why am I alive. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts. I want to die every day and I don't feel worthy at all.

I don't worth being happy, I don't worth to be loved and I don't worth living at all.

If you ask me back then "Do you love yourself?", the answer is a 100% NO and I will tell you I hate myself, I hate my life. This is how I have spent my life for the past 16 years until I noticed changes in my sister.

She found herself, she regained her power and I wonder how she did it. I asked for help, and that was the first time I started to aware of my emotions. 

I learned that emotion is equal, I learned that it is okay to be sad, I learned that I suppressed my emotion so deeply and not knowing the root cause behind my sadness. And with help, I let go of one of my biggest trauma - sexually harassed. How?

I forgave him. I didn't know I have the power to forgive. I was so angry at them that I always tell my mom "They fucking owe me my life" but that day, from great pain and sadness, I chose love and forgiveness. I forgave him and I shouted this to myself:

"I forgave you completely and I will NEVER want any of your future kins having to suffer what I suffered. I forgave you for making my life miserable, I forgave you and I forgave you. I will live my life by regaining my power from you!"

I was relieved. I didn't know to forgive him meaning setting myself free. I set my soul free from this trauma. That was the moment I regained parts of my self-love. That was the moment I realize, I am more than what I think about myself. 

Fast forward today, I am no longer affected by this sexual trauma, instead, I see it as the darkness for me to notice the light and find my worth. 

I also learned that one incident can lead to many issues. Self-love was one of them. Excessing spending is another. Over cursing too. So, releasing this major trauma regained so much power and clarity to myself that I am and will not be defined by my past. I can grow out of it. How? By healing the wound. 

Now, I am the best me I can be and this is the happiest moment of my life. Happiest because I am serving my life purpose - help people gain clarity when they ask and knowing I will still have a lot of emotions but I no longer suppress it and know the right way to deal with it.

Low vibrational emotions (eg: sadness, anger, disappointment) are now an opportunity for me to understand myself and heal from it but never bypassing it. Remember, the first step to heal is to feel. 

Oh, you must be thinking: "So, where are you heading to next?"

To be honest, I don't know yet and it is okay to not know. I continue to learn what I need to learn (intuitive tarot reading is one of them) and be the best me every day. I surrender the outcome to my guides to bring the highest good opportunities for me in the Divine timing.  

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I hope my story serves you well. Sending lots of unicorns loves to you as you're reading this. 

If you want to know/understand more, find me at IG @mayyyylim. I am happy to share it! :)